Alien 3000 Review
Two horny youngsters are having a little fun before getting to the nasty, while their buddy observes with binoculars. Unfortunately an earthquake disturbs this scene and very soon they all see THE CAVE. Your regular mystery cave with gold and an ALIEN!!! Naturally, when this gold is touched and moved, the alien awakes and starts killing people. This movie throws at us so many random explanations that we actually don't know what's going on. At times it reminds you of a pirate curse movie and then sometimes brings memories of violent pants soiling. Why is an alien so touchy about two sacks of rubber gold? Why does Ben Affleck exist? So many questions and yet all we get is the toilet paper.
Main character is Kate, a woman with a tendency of waking up screaming like a shovel is being inserted up her ass. She is in a mental hospital, along with a remote obsessed retarded girl who apparently hasn't said a word for 2 years, and suddenly starts yelling profanities. People these days need education. Working there is a man nurse "penis banana" lover, trying to get into Kate's pants, ending up verbally abused by Karla. Now she and Lyle (just look at his tie) are from the OPI (office of paranormal investigations) and their pants are obviously full of feces. Since Kate was once in the cave with some guys who then got killed, they simply MUST HAVE her assistance so she can later repeat for a 1000 times that the gold must be returned to the cave. And we are supposed to believe that the alien has a special connection with her, probably anal probing. Anyway, a team is soon assembled and it's a wonderful example of people who are mentally behind. The leader is supposed to be Scott McCool (and he won't be so cool when the alien pulls out his head), a sentimental guy having tear soiling bladder memory recollections of his son and throwing a little eye on Kate's ass. Phoebe and Burke, besides having sex, also tend to be very ugly and greedy and have a master plan to steal all the loot. Although that being obvious from the very beginning, no one notices because, as I already said, characters - 0 IQ. Striker is a completely unneccassary character who for some reasons has with him a paint-ball bazooka. Tagging along are Karla, Lyle and Kate.
Lorenzo Lamas is Biggs, just being in the movie in order to sell it. He and Wilkins are apparently the two top soldiers of OPI, who witness their boss being controlled by another alien who's existence is never explained (it's just there in the lab pretending to be dead). Well enough reason for Biggs to blow a complete building with only one hand grenade. Interesting to note how this alien was killed by just one explosion. Why? Because the cave alien's death can only be achieved by doing these things: fill him with at least 500 bullets, throw on him 10 explosives, make him blow up along with a helicopter, make him fall down a cliff with an exploding car and finally cut off his head. Those dynamites probably didn't do much damage because they produce fire equaling a broken oven. The helicopter scene with Lamas could be a whole philosophical discussion at some universities, I assure you. Absolute brilliance. From directing to montage to complete illogical everything, it's a pure winner by all Oscar standards. Constantly is the helicopter one second high in the air, in the next almost on the ground. Anyway, soon we see the alien jump a few feet but is suddenly on the helicopter which is high in the air. For some reason that causes big turbulence making it crash. Now you just have to love how everyone who jumped ended in different locations, and finally see Karla get killed by the explosion. Total pissing parade. Almost as monumental as Kate's final confrontation with the alien. Like watching your toilet flush everything back up. Very nice.
The movie ending blows everything else by 120% and even makes my pants wet. Kate, the only survivor, meets up with the local ranger and soon they witness alien ships that look like glowing genitals. You'll pee all over yourself once you hear them both asking: "What is that?" Hmmm maybe a turtle? Brilliant. Aliens start popping out like flies on shit and - the end. Invasion. So what's that gold got to do with it? I made a theory. The cave alien was an outcast because he opposed violence and had an idea to bribe the whole world with two sacks of gold. Naturally, when someone wanted to take it away, messing his idea completely up, he lost control, got a boner, and went on a killing spree. Basically, that alien is actually the hero of this movie, completely misinterpreted by stupid earthlings. Poor green shit-face only wanted to take the world without killing people. Well important thing he whacked Lamas by splitting him in two pieces. Yes, with a sword, because aliens are excellent at using them. Did I forget to mention they can also use shotguns? Very smart.
Okay watch this movie. Now. Nothing more to say except: panties.
