Alone in the Dark Review

Uwe Boll is my new director hero. This guy seriously makes stinker after crapper and yet still manages to think he's making good movies. I can barely grasp all the opinions this movie produced inside of my twisted mind but I will try.

The question is where did all the money go into? The monsters? Well I don't think mostly invisible monster effects are expensive. Then we have the main character starring Christian Slater. He has now officially reached the bottom. I would really like to know what he thought when reading the script for the first time. If there was one. Tara Reid as an archeologist? Exactly. Enough said. Fascinating how there really isn't even a trace of character development.

The movie starts off with some lame text and a narrator speaking it out. This guy sucks heavily. Great stuff. Imagine a retard forced to read with a gun pointed to his head. That's what you have here. I actually watched the director's commentary (way more entertaining than the movie itself) and Uwe thinks this explains some of the story. He also revealed other groundbreaking things to me. That the ending is poetic, that this is actually about nature taking revenge against man and that the animatronic monster puppeteer is chinese who doesn't know any other language so they had to shoot one scene 25 times.

What about the plot? Well I did understand bureau 713, the governments paranormal research agency, had something to do with things going on but that's basically it. So many questions are not answered and believe me there are tons. Why were the artifacts scattered across the world? What's the purpose of these creatures? What's the point of anything in this film? I'd really like to know.

Slater's thoughts which we can hear throughout the movie are very interesting. They remind me of a farting duck singing some very bad ballads. Like the one in the completely mysterious sex scene with Tara Reid. This was actually the closest step to character development. Very sad indeed. In his commentary Uwe himself stated that Tara not getting her bra off is, I QUOTE: "idiotic." Uwe you are my hero and idol.

The first fight in the movie featuring Slater and some crazy moron is very satisfying. Here we witness Slater's super strong kick which blasts the guy through glass! Also appearing: pointless fence climbing, pointless jumping, pointless everything. All that because of an artifact that looks like a cake that looks like a shoe that looks like it's badly made. And it's very small.

Bureau 713 is definitely a huge pile of manure. They have all these gadgets and so many soldiers and they can't do squat. One of the worst secret government organizations seen on film. Well the software on their computers looks pretty neat. And why is Uwe obsessed in shooting long waiting-to-die scenes with some soldiers we see for the first time? There are actually a few in a row at one point near the end of the movie. Another mystery.

Just remembered the greedy captain of a transport ship. That is what I call bad acting with just one line. Love that guy he's brilliant.

Okay. This movie sucks very much. But! With the Uwe's commentary on dvd it's absolutely awesome. It's actually pure comedy that way since Uwe is dead serious when talking. That commentary is really killer stuff. So don't waste your time watching just the movie, watch it strait off with the commentary and you have a winner. Recommended when viewing: tons of popcorn, rivers of beer, vomit can and an old shoe that looks like an artifact. Just be careful if you see a bold idiot with sunglasses.