Antibody Review

This masterpiece can be split into 2 parts. First one being crap and second one being science fiction crap. Both feature Lance Henriksen off course.

Part I - first 30 minutes

What we have here is basically 30 minutes of Lance Henriksen starring as Gaynes, supposedly the best bomb expert there is, constantly portrayed as a complete failure at doing his job. First there's this nifty bomb in a russian embassy building. Gaynes comes to the rescue, shows his unbelievable skill by detecting lasers thanks to some guys cigarette smoke. Anyway, he's throwing all these wise-ass remarks and we are led to believe he know's what he's doing. Unexpectedly the bomb suddenly goes boom and Gaynes turns out to be a loser. And was the silent russian guard ever explained? Standing for some reason right next to the bomb like it's his lower erect organ and stays there when everyone else flees from the explosion. Very interesting since it serves no purpose for the rest of the story. Soon Gaynes is questioned by the FBI committee, whose chairman has a very bad english accent and is basically told he's sacked. Poor old Gaynes.

One year later TIME WARP! Gaynes is in Germany now, drinking coffee, and talking to his stupid and fake accent daughter on the phone. Currently he's working as chief of security for some sort of big meeting about nano technology. And yes, you guessed it - he's gonna screw up again. Very bad terrorists dressed as waiters invade the conference! Their leader has, in his body mind you, a detonator which will set off a few nukes around the world if he dies! Well who cares right? Special forces pop in, start shooting everyone in the room except the bad guy and problem solved. Or is it?! For one bad henchman shoots his leader! This means the bombs are triggered and everyone will soon be shitting their pants, unless someone comes up with a brilliant idea. And that idea is - take Gaynes, a guy who messed up everything up to this point and...procede to part 2!!!

Part II - the bigger turd

You see, unknown to the rest of mankind, the germans have made it possible to shrink anything to microscopic size and send it inside a human body. They also made a special ship with cool gadgets and lousy joysticks. So time to shrink Gaynes along with 3 other people and send them inside the bad guy to de-activate the bomb trigger. This is where the true fun starts, as Lance Henriksen clearly loses his grip in the shitty script and we also get to know 3 more terrible acting toilets (because it's like flushing one). Ah yes, Rachel - poor misguided soul who will fall for Gaynes's seductive charm. Absolutely astonishing, it doesn't pass 30 minutes since they met each other, and they already plan a date once they get back outside. Well what can I say, Lance Henriksen is one sexy grandpa. The other two crew members are just there to show their terrible accents and eventually die.

More on main character Gaynes. They wanted to make him very charismatic, so the best way was to put dice in his hands, and make him say "it's my life, the laws of probability" while having an expression "why am I in this movie?" while fondling them with his experienced fingers. Brilliant, reminds me of 7 Samurai, only with Lance Henriksen playing all 7 of them. One would think he reached the bottom with this movie, but let's not forget he also starred in Hellraiser 8.

The poor bad guy. They revive him from death at least 5 times, he gets so much injections, of who knows what, that you get to feel sorry for him. And the real question is who and how put that bomb detonator inside of him. It's so small and yet perfectly attached on some part of his inside. Glorious stupidity. Well Gaynes will deactivate it, and that is filmed with such splendor that it makes me roll around in my own piss each time I see it. First off, this detonator has clearly visible numbered sort of boxes which you can easily plug away. Secondly, Gaynes's figuring out what to plug out is brilliant. The word "disarm" in spanish translated into numbers! Oh but wait, he plugs something out but nothing happens. So the next logical assumption is naturally a flashback of the bad guys chest, where numbers 777 are tattooed. And yup, that means the box to pull out is with the number 77. Lance Henriksen saves the planet from nuclear destruction.

Ah so sweet, Gaynes also gets himself a kissy. I wonder if he can still move the junior though. Well there it is, a crap fiesta with Lance Henriksen showing how old and desperate he is to star in such low-budget crap. GO LANCE!