Night of the Bloody Apes Review

As the credits start rolling like freshly shaven balls, "cool" blood is oozing on black screen behind them. Very soon, someone is also pissing blood onto the blackness. Anyway blood is all over the black background and I was already satisfied by it's catapephic badness. And the fart parade doesn't end here as we are immediately switched to the MASK! That scared the crappies right out of me. This monstrosity is worn by Lucy, a female wrestler who is also licking the balls of Arturo - a good cop and part-time pedophile. These two sure are a kinky and nasty couple. Anyway soon we see a wrestling match where Lucy throws her opponent out of the ring. Guess what? This poor gal gets heavily injured and Lucy decides to retire from the ring. Touching and emotional, Michael Jackson style. Is there a point to this poor attempt of character development? Don't think so but it sure does provide good laughs. And what about the apes? Bananas?

Well there you have it. One beefed up ape-man. What about the other apes? Go to the zoo. So anyway, let me tell you a story of this wild horny killing machine. You see, when the only chance your son has of surviving is a heart transplant, and you're a good doctor, you will certainly do the transplant. From a human? NO! From an ape! Off course, the brilliance doesn't end, as we see heart transplant stock footage. Kind of disgusting, but excellent stuff. Well the son is named Julio who looks like a prison whore begging for soap action. I actually developed a theory! His father, dr. Krallman, didn't just want for his son to live but to make him a beefed up sex machine! Too bad he forgot to improve a little on the facial looks, cause now poor Julio reminds of nutty doo doo. So once the ape mode starts kicking in, people will be killed and women "dressed" nude. Didn't I tell you Julio just became a sex machine? He's tearing those panties like butter but has some problems finding holes. Thing is he tries to put ape junior in some warm female regions but fails to understand that he must take off his own pants first. This frustration will make some groovy kills. For example, the ever perfect and excellent, vanilla ice-cream eye! Definitely bananas and asses.

Krallman is happy that his son lives, but can't stand all the killings so he decides to further top his genius - make another heart transplant! Cool, more stock footage! Transplant is this time from a human, the same woman Lucy threw out of the ring. Are you catching on to the insanity? Already having nasty thoughts about horny gorillas in your bed? Well you better be because I didn't watch this movie for nothing. So Julio is seemingly back to normal aka sleazy and molested looking. But embrace yourself for the surprise of the century! He's still the ape-man! Oh the horror. Those poor women who will fall to ape-mans attempt at sex, but be killed because yet again there's no hope. Pants just won't go down. And how is Arturo, wrestling fan, progressing with the investigation of the murders. Thanks to his brilliant Sherlock Holmes deductive mind, off course he immediately concludes that a half beast half man is behind everything. Damn that's so sharp like razor dildos in a cucumber jar. And can someone explain me why in the hell would anyone want to see Lucy's ugly nude ass? Guess the film makers thought she was hot and gave us a nice full shot. I almost got vanilla ice-cream eyes in my stomach. Did you expect me to say words like bowel, diarrhea or anal plumbing? Hey, I ain't so disgusting, just love to sometimes sniff ape asses. What? Bananas!

What about mr. lumpy leg, Krallman's assistant? Very fake scar, very fake indeed. And to think that such a nice and friendly guy will be killed by ape-man Julio shit face! That head looks real just like the scar. Lets see for nutty leftovers. Got to mention this woman in a park screaming. That's pretty intense stuff, good lungs but terrible pitch. Oh I'm so stupid, who wouldn't scream if an ape-man tried to rape you without taking his pants down. Invisible penises? More like bananas. Also great is the completely unnecessary scene with Krallman pretending in the hospital to be shocked and stunned by the disappearance of the wrestling patient. Now why would anyone give a shit? Exactly. The ending is some sort of King Kong rip off, although there ain't a woman involved but a little girl. Yep those damn pedophiles! Anyway, poor ape-man gets shot, Krallman makes anal penetration faces and the end. I was crying.

So remember - always have a banana near your panties! Banana!