Arachnia Review

Wow! That was my first expression when I found out that the plot is resolved around a scientific expedition. Original as wearing socks every day. For my perverse satisfaction, it gets even better than that, meaning the characters. Hell yeah to these retards! I can feel the odor already.

We see a small private plane flying, accompanied by a shower of meteorites. In it are characters diverse in their stupidity. Let me introduce you to the pilot and also the hero of this highly digestive story: Sean Pachowski. Very cool, smart and beefed up. And yes before you ask: he knows exactly what a therapod is (a three toed carnivorous dinosaur) since it's obvious you just need to know that as a pilot. He also hates caves for an unknown reason. Well maybe to the casual viewer but I KNOW THE TRUTH BEHIND IT!! The main female protagonist is Chandra Weaver, professor Mugford's assistant, who has the hots for Sean "the stud" and suffers from some serious ego trips. Professor Mugford is a typical dickhead chicken selfish bastard who sleeps with his students. His whores here are Kelly and Trina, part-time lesbos, empty skull walking sperm canisters. Well, they want to graduate with sex and I guess they'll need to find another professor to do it after this movie. Last one to mention is Deke, my recently favorite retard seen on film. Combine a horny puberty driven 15-year old and a chicken scumbag - you get Deke. Excellent. Very soon one of the meteorites actually falls on Earth near the plane, the shock-wave causing it to crash. Great to see Deke fall asleep before the crash, then waking up after and asking "Are we in Arizona yet?". Awesome.

Everyone survived the crash and soon they all find a nice old house where the 2 sluts can have some lesbian action and where everyone can prove just how stupid they all are. Especially Chandra and Deke. Damn that Chandra character fascinates me. It's like the script wanted her to be smart but made her turn out utterly moronic. Like asking angrily how to get warm with the stove when there ain't any wood around - guess what Chandra - there is wood all around you. Also great to see Kelly not knowing how a western style bath tub looks like. She probably thought it was a giant dildo. And poor old horny Mugford, Sean won't let him get into anyone's pants. Suddenly an old man appears who is actually the owner of the house. Too bad he won't last long because he and Sean go cave exploring in the morning. Yep, spidy gets grandpa.

THE SPIDERS! Man do they look fake or what. And awesome how the effects are even worse than King Kong from 1933 since they also used stop motion technique here. Interesting how even the small normal spider looks fake in this movie. And the explanation on how they reproduce is just... brilliant. First we are told they use humans to put eggs in them. Now I can think of a way they could have done that to Kelly, but how the hell did they do it to the old man?! Very nasty anal loving spiders I guess. Anyway, later they show us the spider queen who lays all these tiny spider penises so one has to wonder why do they need to impregnate humans. They could have at least shown us some sick spider sex action. That would make this cake have it's proper cream filling.

Another great stupid thing this movie offers is the fact that Chandra's dad is a general. So she calls him saying Mugford is trying to rape her. Guess daddy doesn't care that much since it takes him more than a day to send a small army. And yes the army takes care of everything by blowing things up. Oh that reminds me how Sean found a box full of dynamite in a shack. Now this dynamite is so powerful, I really think it could equal my fart when I'm in the right mood. And wow the movies ending is a real shocker. First I had to visit the toilet because both Trina and Kelly survived and just after I cleaned myself, THIS made me mess myself all over again. Damn.

So.... If you dislike condoms but love to see rubber, watch Arachnia.