Carnosaur Review

Starts off with chicken slaughter stock footage! Also chickens in very dirty KamaSutra stances and other nasty stuff you can't even imagine. Or can you? Anyway these poor chickens were subjugated to evil dinosaur ass squeeze-out experiments, without their permission mind you. Those damn bastards! Or is it just one person behind the evil plan to exterminate the human race and replace it with goofy predators? Yes! So you guessed it - evil scientist with a stupid idea. Oh wait I rushed a little too much into the story. Let me go back to the main characters. Or does it matter anyway? Were those poor chickens asked for an opinion? Got to feel sorry for the buggers, they can't even vote or go walking with clothes on in public. Discrimination of the highest caliber.

Main character is Doc, formerly a savior of lives that screwed up and is now a drunk taking care of bulldozers in a middle of nowhere. Interesting that this place of dirt and stone was once a so called dinosaur highway, so a bunch of hippie activists make protests by sitting there handcuffed or chained. What a pathetic excuse for getting horny before a wild orgy. And what about a little love story between Doc and Rush (well it used to be Ann but I guess Rush just sounds so damn cool), a stupid hippie girl that can make cool knots!!! Very touching and in the end also very stinky. So anyway, back to the poor chickens again. Try to imagine a chickens ass and then look at the size of this egg. How did that get squeezed out? The pain must have been unbearable. That's like trying to pee out a cactus. In this egg is a baby predator, already a savage killing beast although only big as a small penis. Oh but it grows, very fast and will soon be known as...

CARNOSAUR

This wild puppet monster will show those hippie bastards just how stupid they are. Faces bitten off is just a start as we also see some cool leg snacks and groovy chained "gimme fivers". And so comes back the question of who is behind all this. Well you see, the government gave complete freedom of chicken experimentation to none other than Jane Tiptree, a known genius in the field of genetic engineering. Naturally, no one even checked on her research so she gave herself the liberty of creating dinosaurs with the goal of exterminating the human race. What better way to do this than make chickens make dinosaur eggs? Well make women give birth to dinosaur eggs also! The minds behind this movie are brilliant.

Tiptree's secret laboratory is a great place to be. She has hidden cameras all over the place (even outside the lab mind you), tons of little Carnosaur eggs and even a cool room with lasers spinning all over the place. Oh and almost forgot there's a big T-Rex inside as well. Perfect for parties with lots of nudity, alcohol and constant urinating over pictures of Ben Affleck. At one point of the movie, Doc suddenly infiltrates this secret lab. Don't try to think how he found it because you will lose your mind. This is where the philosophical aspect takes place as Doc and Tiptree make moral debates of humans and nature. Kind of similar to bowel explosions. Tiptree also knows the answer to what came first, chicken or the egg. Check out the sounds and you will be enlightened with this groundbreaking thinking. Soon this T-Rex will break out and head for the bulldozers. Yep, Doc will kill some prehistoric ass with a mighty bulldozer kick. And what's with the old Carnosaur? Well I forgot to mention the sheriff, a tough guy who blasts the critters head off with a shotgun but gets himself killed by a mysterious dinosaur leg that pops out of nowhere. So cool, just like the alien rip-off scene with Tiptree as we see a baby Carnosaur pop out of her belly. Hell yeah.

Now I'll go to the other mysterious elements of this movie. First let me start with the green text that appears now and then throughout the movie with pointless information and some stupid percentages that dont mean a chicken ass. Or the awesome tragic music that plays only when a Carnosaur dies. Well it was sad, I must admit it since these dinos are kinda cute.

Oh and the best thing is the military when they suddenly start killing everyone. And the movie tops itself by its last scene as the army fills Doc with a thousand bullets and burn him and his hippie girl to ashes. Quite amazing ending without any sense at all.

So Carnosaur is basically a movie with a powerful message of chicken harassment that will change your mind forever and make you wear diapers for the rest of your life. Those poor chicken asses don't deserve all the stitches.