Killer Crocodile Review
The dubbed english version is a must. You really thought I was gonna watch this in italian? Yeah right! Although I don't know if there is a version with the original sound and frankly - I don't give a shit. Now to the review...
Look at the picture above and tell me you wouldn't give this movie every award available! That Croc is simply brilliant.
Do you just hate the movies where you wait half an hour before you actually see the killer? Well I do and thus I love this garbage. Movie starts off with two guys fishing late at night, one complaining about the place - no fish. Well guess what mr. asshole - WHAM !!! Yep, it takes less than a minute for a full frontal shot of our cute mutated swamp friend. And expect lots more.
After the silly opening credits followed by intense and very frightening music (sarcasm!) we are then introduced to an interesting couple. Let me just say a more realistic couple could have been me and a used condom. Anyway the guy gets his woman to listen to his acoustic serenade. Very interesting scene. This woman! Apart from having a disgusting haircut she also tends to be pretty damn HAIRY! Good thing someone is lurking in the bushes. Seems like Croc and me have the same killing instinct. At least in the beginning. After this short lunch break we are switched to the main characters. They are good hearted environmentalists investigating the pollution detected in the swamp. The group leader is Kevin, a really neat guy with a cool beard. I think he was supposed to be the charismatic hero but seems like there are no balls in those tight pants. Also on board are 2 women, who are completely unimportant and don't even get killed or filled with man sausage, Mark the photographer, Bob the "penis" and the native girl with her dog Candy. Now if she called the dog Shitty or Crap Twister I'm sure Croc wouldn't eat him but alas the named implied too much - too sweet not to eat (another bad joke attempt by yours truly Lux Delux). Anyway these ecological morons soon discover suspicious looking barrels leaking suspicious looking liquid. Good enough reason for Bob to grab the very effective protection suit and make a dive to check things out. Guess what? The stuff is highly radioactive!!! Yep there are obviously bad guys here who will need to visit Croc's belly. Hmm do I smell an anti-pollution message here? Nope, it was my fart. Just remembered the scene where everyone is looking for the native girl and suddenly she pops out dead like someone put her on a stick. Croc sure has some weird tricks up his sleeve.
We don't have to wait long until everyone knows about the big Croc as he attacks a dock where little children play with dolls and balls! And this attack scene is really funny featuring mindless people actually throwing themselves into Croc's mouth. Okay so one girl is hanging from the dock and under her is the Croc. So what will her father do? Pull her up maybe? Oh no that would be too simple! He will get in the same tricky position as her and try to PUSH her up. Well guess what happens to the guy... It is then decided the Croc must be killed and who else to take the job than Joe, the expert hunter who knows the swamp best and can't act sounding most of the time like a retard on some heavy drugs. And we are also shown his very sexy scars. The nature guys don't like this and are against it but will soon change their minds. Completely unnecessary moral debates up to that point. Bad boys are Judge - also known as heavy balls and Foley who do these waste dumps. Later in the movie Judge suddenly wants to be good but too late for that, pollution boy! And that Foley, his face looks like it was dug out of an ass that hasn't been washed for 50 years. Disgusting, go wash yourself moron!
Joe bought bullets for his rifle which are apparently strong enough to kill an elephant. Guess he got screwed since their fire power is pure crap. So in the end it's up to "small balls" Kevin to finish the job with a propeller. It's a miracle how effectively you can throw a working propeller straight into the Croc's big mouth if Joe is yelling: "Keep your cool". Ain't that some motivation. So that is the end of our favorite mutated Croc - damn bastards! But off course, something SCARY is seen at the end. That made me run fresh out of toilet paper.
Croc is my hero and he should be yours too. Excellent feces trip that this movie offers should not be missed! Maybe it won't scare you but it will surely make your pants warm. And you even learn something - pollution is good if it produces big mutated crocodiles who eat people. Underwear!!!
