Crossbones Review

Ahoy matey, this movie is a gas canister. Bloweth forth bladder in thou mouth. I'll split the review in four parts since the movie is a 4 piece shit cake.

First 12 minutes:

Did you know that in 1841 pirates had motorized yachts? It's finally time to learn something oh yee uneducated natives. Sorry, this movie is slowly getting into my pants. Anyway a very coooooooool narrator throws at us crap about pirate Red Blood (who has the most fake pirate accent I ever heard) and his tragic demise in 1841, a year of modern yachts and lousy costumes. And I bet you didn't know Red Blood was actually the ancestor of Texas Rangers! Evidence is the STAR. After a mutiny, Red kills off his crew members and is soon captured by the marines. He is then locked in the deepest cell of a dreaded pirate prison island that looks like an abandoned soap factory. The marines all die from yellow fever and Red escapes (don't ask me how it happens, it's just insane) grabbing all the loot available. Now digging a hole obviously ain't Red's specialty. Just look at the depth. We are now nearing the end of Red's journey as he decides to mess with 3 stupid looking natives. Yet again the film-makers contradict themselves at saying that Red was one of the most ferocious pirates ever. I mean the guy has a gun against 3 primitive morons and still manages to get stabbed and cursed. Oh well, it was a tough day for him.

12-52 minutes:

This part of the movie is the real durability test for any viewer. From the hideous characters to the bowel moving plot, it certainly isn't for anyone. So what is the plot? The filming of a reality survival show on a caribbean island maybe? BINGO! Consisted of one camera man, a producer and his slut, it all actually seems more serious than filming this movie. Can anyone actually feel sympathy for the 6 participators of the show? Well death would be salvation for anyone enlisting in such tv-horrors so the answer is a big NOPE. I will enjoy analyzing these retards. Starting off with my favorite, Greedy G.! A dope smoking gangsta in the hood rapper wannabe. This guy is pure gold. But beware, his "hood" slang can be very painfull, not to mention his rapping. I was also very intrigued by his fascination with a frying pan. Guess he really belongs on a deserted island. Next comes Scott who is obsessed with the "monster" in his pants. He literally refers to it at least a hundred times. Well the monster didn't help him against Red Blood. And the amazing thing is he's not even the stupidity winner here. That would go to Tris. I just can't find the right words to describe it. It's not an empty skull we're facing here, she simply doesn't even have a skull. Very sad example of complete mental absence. Melissa is a whore who will do anything to get the money meaning she'll provide the producer some extra pleasure. And finally the main characters Serena and Tony. Serena is an ex-cop (completely irrelevant detail since she's a chicken) going for the money in order to establish a shelter for abused animals. Tears are slowly flowing down my cheeks, reaching my genitals. Tony is your typical high morals good guy without any motives besides going into Serena's lower section.

This whole part of the movie is mostly based on interviews with the participants and you can only guess how that can affect your digestion. There are also some food gathering expeditions and finally the awakening of Red Blood. Time for some retard eradication. Forgot to mention that there are hidden cameras all over the island (which look like they costed 5 bucks each) which function on an unknown basis. Probably the electric trees operate them, I read about them in "Your garden is my favorite toilet" magazine.

52-75 minutes:

20 minutes of killing spree. If one could call water bashing murder that is. But there is one scene here that deserves an Oscar. Red Blood forcing Tris to squeal like a pig is monumental and will surely stand the test of time in movie history. And the throat slashing of Greedy G. is an effects extravaganza, a true masterpiece of modern cinema. Very impressive 20 minutes that go fast as a fly towards crap.

Last 15 minutes:

Can Serena, now inside the dreaded pirate prison, escape the tricky mysterious corridors? Don't think so. You see, when you face a thousand exits, confusion will take over your thinking and you will head straight for the roof, where Red will be waiting for you. But superman Tony comes to the rescue! And dies in the process while Serena smacks Red's head with a gold brick. Poor Tony. Well at least he died with a boner. Also notable is the mysterious, suddenly appearing, zombie that just scares Serena and then falls on the ground. I would be very happy if someone would be kind enough to explain this to me...

End Credits

As I saw the credits roll, my eyes were all wet. This emotion cruise of a septic tank left me drowned in my own feces. If you want a pirate, wrap yourself in toilet paper and you will definitely be more convincing. And don't forget the two pirate rules: 1) never mess with natives, 2) you can't kill water. Ahoy!