Sci-Fighter Review

Hmmm where to start? This is a tough decision indeed. Ok I'll go with a fact this movie gave me. People over 70 years old are the best programmers. They can create virtual reality fight simulation games without any help. Probably because I read once in "low IQ for morons without brains on steroids that don't know how to write" magazine that your brain actually develops after you reach the big 70. Cool to know. Well professor Tanaka is a living proof. His son Jack (the main character) is played by Don 'The Dragon' Wilson. He should change 'The Dragon' with 'Lou Diamond Phillips look-a-like'. Don't know who is worse of the two though. Well Don at least shows some half decent high kicks.

Anyway Jack is a kung fu expert who has a training school and some problems in relationship with his son. Well who wouldn't ground an 18 year old kid for taking a sip of beer. Bad boy. And kissing a girl. Is he normal? He should be in the gym having intercourse with an imaginary monkey. Jack's wife was killed by some unknown guy years ago and thus this bad connection. But that will change for they will need to unite in Sci-Fighter! A virtual reality fighting game created by professor Tanaka in his spare time. Put on your helmets and lets go!

Guess who's the baddy in this action extravaganza? A virus! Doesn't make any sense how it got there but neither does anything in this movie stand for brains. Especially the FBI agent Dean. Now what's actually the point of this character? Maybe to show up in a scene which is also completely unnecessary. Or maybe so we can find out Jack knows him. But that's it. No dialogue when we find that out. They split immediately. Now that's what I call a plot hole.

What's with that choreography?! Some punches look real but most are huge gaps between fist/foot and the body being hit. Awesome. But the most notable thing in these action sequences is the unintentionally slow motion moves. It's like someone put strings on the actors and pulled back when they tried to make a normal move. Really funny. Mostly all fights are comic gems. Not the ones where there is an intentional joke off course (you would know what I mean if you saw the Elvis impersonation!).

The crown goes to the enemy fighters in the game. This is a palette of bad and worse than bad actors put together. Hard to highlight any of them but maybe a slightly bonus score goes to The King of the Cage! This guy is simply put, a muscle tower. And those little horns on top of his head are astounding. Let me pull out the others... Scorpion! A woman who has the hots for Jack and maybe that is the reason she produces moan-screams each time she goes for a high kick. Monkey man is a total retard. Don't know if he's supposed to be funny but I laughed out of pure idiocy. Juvenile and yet intellectual (!?!?). The virus sucks, no further info needed. Oh and shouldn't forget the karate man. He is pure heavy metal in my opinion. Interesting to note is that most of these bad guys have sort of electronized voices. Yeah that's really popular in games I guess. Especially if they are supposed to be realistic.

Professor Tanako is not only a programming genius but also a pimp. At the end he manages to fix Jack a disgusting hag. Probably because she's a look-a-like of White Angel from the game. There she's in cleavage mode. We all know how that works on kung fu experts. It's really interesting how they picked her as the main female when there are tons of prettier girls in just one scene! Oh well. She must have talked to the director privately to get this role...

Jack's son Brad looks like a perfect example of a prison whore. He really annoys me. Especially in his dance-martial arts performance at the end of the movie. This is disgusting stuff. I know it's not good to wish of someone's demise.. but Brad... drop dead in a painfull way. Sorry for that. Also disgusting is the music. It sucks thus rules.

Before the action really starts the movie is filled with emotional discussions and tear jerking flashbacks. Well I did cry out of agony. Brad and his mom finishing a cake for Jake is a scene of pure vomit goodness. No emotion in acting, terrible in every way. This scene is like going down the toilet and finding a gold mine. Well I don't think this movie is a toilet, it's more like a sewer with mutated retards. And who wouldn't like professor Tanaka's words of wisdom. You can always trust a 70 year old pimp/programmer with a bad accent.

Great modern action crap-ride. And have to mention Nikola, my dear friend, who recommended this to me. Sci-fighter is not only a movie. It's a way of diarrhea with cheese. Whatever that means.