Final Round Review
Lorenzo Lamas, a legend that almost tops my morning fart in terms of acting skills. In this masterpiece however, Lamas is beyond belief. His acting is amazing, combined with the brilliant script it gives one of the milestones in movie history. Oh wait, this was my ass talking. Now to the movie.
Auuurgh! Behold the wonders of opticam! One of the shots that are shown during the opening credits together with the amazing 3d poop. For now we don't really now what all this means but will find out (?!) later on. For now, we will be satisfied with some Lorenzo action as he enters the ring to show off his skills on some poor guy who behaves like a moron. Here we are introduced to the first ground-breaking oral fart aka Lamas tells a snappy joke. What is more disturbing though, is that suddenly in the gym we see none other than Cheyenne, the ugly slut from Renegade!!! Instant eye bleed. We have a little time skip and soon Jordan (her name here) comes on a bike to Lamas's bike repair shop. Now one expects all sort of crap to fall upon him but the events that follow are deeper than the whole New York sewer. BEWARE! Disturbing pictures ahead!!!
I warned you....
Why is there a small pillow right under Lorenzo's ass? That could be a whole discussion so I'm gonna stick with the important stuff. How in the name of all that's holy and hairy did that happen, you may ask?! It all started with Lamas metaphorically talking about his sexual techniques and observing Jordan's cleavage which is actually just air. Next on the menu is a bar fight, where 3 guys try to take advantages of Jordan's cheap ass, so Lamas gives them high kicks, punches and a propeller hit! But sex NOT YET! First we have probably one of the best preludes to it ever seen on film. Rivaled off course by the monumental "wired" dialogue in Shark Attack 3. Most soft porn movies can dream of this quality and you can see it for yourself in the nice hot clip I made. Just before he pops the willies and makes Lorenzo junior, a nasty guy injects him with some kinda sleeping drug. This just had to happen during the sex act off course. Ah yes, almost forgot about Lorenzo's clothing in the bar and what he'll wear for the rest of the movie.
Our magnificent story continues as Lorenzo wakes up next to Jordan in some shack, where we are introduced to the "funny black character who will die later in the movie" Mad Dog. No, this is not 90's cliche syndrome, this is genuine turd movie making. Suddenly, like a flaming blast of mutated diarrhea, we know exactly what this movie will be about and that it's a rip-off of Running Man with Arnie. We did have hints to this during the opening credits but during that period I was half nude. So basically rich folk bet which hunter will kill the hunted in a game of lethal survival! Hunters are really cool here, with astonishing costumes and weapons. Don't even make me start on their in-depth character sub-plot revelations later on. Hmmm now that I think about it, they look like morons and share one similarity - the opticam CAMERA! Makes them look all cyborg and stuff. Really neat. So who's the real bad guy that deserves some Lorenzo ass whoop?
Jonathan Delgado! A twisted baddie who likes to use a whip. There's also a sub-plot with him and a bigger syndicate boss whom he left some time ago. The boss wants Delgado dead and thus we all know what the ending will be like. This other boss is rooting for Lamas btw, betting on his strong muscles and irreplaceable sex charm. Concerning the bets, they are all done in a small room with let's say 5 people, who take phone calls and write stuff into computers. There are also a few big screens with some random text displayed. Awesome coolness. By the way, the hunting ground is some abandoned factory complex which looks cheaper than Jordan's butt.
What follows now are confrontations with each hunter, one by one, all the way to the smelly grand finale. I shall give my best effort to present these amazing characters. Or maybe I won't but who cares anyway. There are 5 of these turds, I'll go in order as the fights appear!
1) Joseph Lendvoy - this one is the least important although the fight itself is crucial because Lorenzo will throw a killer line where he says "I'm a big fan of Chuck Norris". Simply amazing. Go listen to the sounds I provided, you won't regret it. Anyway, Lorenzo makes a salad out of this guys back by pushing him onto some nasty big air shaft fan. Bummer, never mess with Lorenzo.
2) Katrina Sullivan - ah yes, the only female hunter. Naturally, she resorts to shadow skills and darkness. Also has a sadistical nature which is proved by appearing in this movie. So she traps the three into a room and switches off the light. Now comes a scene which is supposed to be very tense because everything is shown through Katrina's infra red camera view as she is giving taunting cuts to Lorenzo with her amazing sharp sword/axe weapon. OMG INFRA LORENZO! I was terrified but luckily Jordan turned the lights on so Mad Dog could shove an anchor into Katrina's throat. DEAD!
After this Delgado talks to them via speaker saying something how he banged Jordan and revealing her utter slutness. I didn't catch the importance of this scene apart from giving Lorenzo a chance to slap her and kick random objects. Let's not forget Delgado's magical little device with 2 buttons that can do everything - phone calls, video calls, camera switching etc. Amazing.
3) Michael Lang - this one wants to rape Jordan so Lamas kicks his ass and throws him on the electric fence to fry. At this point Delgado is getting very nervous and the system starts to fall. Terribly done and extremely lame. Awesome.
4) Marco Phillips and Halsey MacKenzie - the last 2 dirt bags are the most interesting and powerful. They are also rivals, with witty encounters here and there until their final battle near the end. It was nicely retarded, much like each Lorenzo fight. In this battle we see Marco supposedly kill Halsey but wow (!) he isn't dead and later kills Marco! Lorenzo sets Halsey on fire and leaves him to burn soon. Oh and Marco kills Mad Dog. What a toilet. Seems like we're nearing the end of the movie, with one battle left.
This review sucks. Lorenzo versus Delgado is special just like all other fights, which means it stinks. Just when Lamas wants to finish him off, Delgado's former boss shows up, gives our hero freedom and decides to play with Delgado. A few nasty lines are thrown at us again and the end. A happy ending with Lorenzo and miss slut about to hit the sack again. Unfortunately for my bladder, that wasn't filmed.
A classic movie for the whole family.
