Ice Crawlers Review
Opening death scene in a horror usually sucks and tends to tell us straight off how bad the movie actually is. This here is no exception with an actually astounding death of a stupid worker. Why so? Well you see, when the plot resolves around a lab under the antarctic ice, you don't expect someone to die Jaws rip-off style. Does happen here though because there is for some reason a big pool of water connected apparently to the icy seas and this naive worker notices big bubbles popping out of it. There is naturally no other choice but to grab a huge stick and play with it a little trying to grab a "fish". Guess what sucker, you're dead. Interesting that there is no blood shown when the guy is pulled down and mutilated. Great stuff right from the start.
Before we are introduced to the necessary student characters, it's prime time for a completely stupid and unnecessary dialogue in german between slut nipples dr. Monica Kelsey and David Hasselhoff look-a-like Schneider. Why do they talk in german for a minute and then suddenly switch off to english? So we can be shown that this movie actually has cool subtitles at one point thrown in? Or because these 2 characters are stupid and ugly? Mysterious indeed. Anyway, soon there's a helicopter filled with moronic students and a professor ready to land. These characters are a nice septic mix and provide eternal satisfaction. Lets start with professor Ted Jacobson, a man who, according to dr. Kelsey, looks like shit. Now why does she keep a picture of him in her bedroom then? Oh well, not only is he ugly but full of hidden agendas. Supposedly some sort of a bad guy but it really doesn't matter because his screen time is irrelevant.
More interesting, for instance, is Update - the computer geek. Got to love the jokes about him having sex with a small calculator or his whining like a molested girl running from a pedophile with a bag full of candy. One of my favorites. What we have left is 2 studs and 2 females with a very high horny factor, although surprisingly only one short sex scene. Curtis is the good guy and apparently the main character, a meaty horny machine that expertises in drilling (how dirty can the script get?!?!) and also has an extremely fake Texas accent. Actually, at many points, he forgets to use the accent so in the end it all blows efficient gas. His destined love is "slutty lips" Arianna, a smart girl with an annoying attitude. I did expect her to die but the world isn't perfect. The rest are Kate and Tom who are obviously in this movie just to have sex and die. They also need a lesson from Lux:
- use condoms or you might have problems with your LOOKS
Just trying to put reason into horny people. Anyway, prepare yourself for something extremely disgusting as one of the workers prepares to take a shower...
Maybe I should have told you to bring that vomit can, but I am a cruel bastard. Look at that hair people, disgusting stuff. Actually the only horror element present here. Don't tell me that the killers scare you cause they don't. Well the effects ain't that bad, especially the gore but does it matter? The real quality here is the acting which is brilliant to say the least. Oh, you want to know more about the prehistoric killer BUG?!?! Let me point out that the info given is pure toilet material. Something about the bugs size not being possible but never explained why it is big. Also supposed to be extinct. Crappers. The thing which fascinated me the most is the bugs movements. Just watch the clip and witness those blazingly fast legs. Seems like mr. bug is in a hurry, probably toxic diarrhea. Imagine squeezing out ice. Brings shivers through my bowel. And what is with all those flashbacks every time the bug starts killing someone? Very mysterious and kind of stinky.
Fascinating how lots of humor is tried to be thrown randomly in the dialogues. And to top it all off we have groovy country guitars suddenly in the background at the end of these extremely funny dialogues. Maybe this was supposed to be a pilot for a sitcom. Too bad, might have been a smashingly good show. I know I would watch every episode even if it means me molesting the toilet every 2 minutes.
So there you have it. A chilling experience with smelly hair and groovy bugs. Don't forget to wear your diapers and watch sober. BALLS!
