Inseminoid Review

Great thing about this movie is that it gets more stupider and even more illogical with every other second. Doesn't help it from being boring sometimes, but like I give a damn when I can hear more screaming than in 100 teen slashers combined. From frantic lunatic style to a resemblance of having violent digestive squeezing, you can experience it all right here. Excellent.

Does this movie have a main character? Nope. Does it have a plot which makes at least some sense? Nope. Does everyone die? Yep. And these deaths sometimes make even less sense than the plot. I also have my personal favorite. But later on that as I need to introduce you to some basics first. An archeological expedition on a far away planet discover a tomb-like complex. One of the many retards there, named Ricky, witnesses an explosion and finds some strange crystals. He's soon hospitalized but turns out ok and well. Great stuff once we see the ISOLATION UNIT where the crystals are put. During the movie they tend to emit green light and it serves no purpose for the story. Important thing - they glow! Now for the completely unexpected twist as we find out Ricky actually ain't feeling A-OK and it's not diarrhea that's making him twitch in his sleep. A mysterious alien force possess him and very soon the guy is grabbing the SUIT and running around like crazy. I was extremely hooked by the shitty 80's instrumental electronic music playing in the background while Ricky is heading for the tomb. How and why was Ricky possessed is never explained. Anyway in the tomb is also Gail. Now we come to my favorite death scene and the first (but not the last) involving a leg. Ricky actually doesn't have anything to do with it except scarring her a little. This is pretty much retarded by itself. Gail gets her leg stuck. Now what to do? Listen to helping advice from the communicator or maybe... You guessed it! First pull out the oxygen tube and put it in your mouth like sucking on a huge genitalia. Awesome. Then cut your leg off. And then die. Very insane. Finally Kate kills Ricky with a sophisticated high-tech weapon also known as a spear gun. Don't expect lasers in this movie.

What about the alien? Shown for a total of 10 seconds not including his glass tube penis which gets into Sandy making her a pregnant screaming killing machine. So basically 99% of deaths in this movie are caused by Sandy using some sort of tool (which can also be her powerful hands) or by the characters own stupidity. Now these fights with Sandy are so poorly choreographed that you will first piss your pants, then your whole apartment and finally die in all the urine. And here we discover some new theories on how a full grown man can pass out. If you make a small bite on his leg it's going to happen for sure. Also interesting that you can die if you get a small part of your leg burned. Damn! Legs are obviously brain replacements of the future! I must not forget that Sandy also likes dead body fast food. Probably the best you can give to the alien twins about to be born. You heard me! Twins! And they are ugly killing little bastards. Must have been very sad for them when Sandy dies. Strangled by a bunch of wires. Yet another stupid death scene that you just got to love. Oh and want to hear lunatic screaming for whole 3 minutes? Then just watch the scene with Sandy giving birth.

This movie also offers the most shocking shocker scene ever filmed. Poor old Mark probably soiled the whole cave when Sandy gave him the FACE!!! Interesting how everyone wants to help Sandy although each time they try, at least one person dies. Oh well, in outer space, who's gonna know you're a retard? Yes, a very lame joke attempt from yours truly, Lux the space explorer. So what happens to the horny glass penis alien? We are never told. He was probably very old and died from heart attack after some hot action with Sandy. I would feel sorry for him if he didn't have such disgusting taste in women. But then again, he probably hasn't seen one for some time, humping those cave holes and sharpening his glass genitals. Must have been a tough time.

Forget Alien. Did you see a glass penis there? No. This is the real deal. If you are in desperate need of some 80's toilet motivation, do not hesitate even one second. Because you never know if a glass penis is right behind you.