King Kong Escapes Review
There is a mysterious element x that can be used for great power and it is under ice in the antarctic. How to mine it? Build a giant King Kong replica robot off course!! The self proclaimed genius dr. Who built him but later it turns out he isn't such a wise-ass at all. Robo Kong can't stand the radiation but for some reason, the real Kong can and thus comes forth the plan to capture and use him. Hell is bound to break loose.
The good guys are: commander Nelson (a generally high moral value too good to be true character), lieutenant Jiro (obviously has the hots for Susan) and Susan Watson (no brain and actually an excuse to make Kong and Jiro horny). They are a team of scientists who have their own submarine and a flying car. Naturally they end up on Kong's island where he falls in love with Susan and also battles Gorosaurus. This is without a doubt the best fight in the movie. Goro is jumping and giving Kong (who has a tendency to make hilarious facial expressions) some kicks. But Kong soon gets a grip and bashes Goro like a bag of potatoes. Finishing move is the famous jaw stretching and the foam from the mouth is unbelievable here. Looks like detergent soap and there is lots of it. Blew me away. Just like the fact there is only one native on the island - an old fart who obviously drinks too much coffee. He's gonna get filled with led later by dr. Who.
Nelson is surprisingly weak. I mean he gets demolished by Who in a split second although the age difference is about 50 years. But Nelson is unable to be seduced by the bad Madame Piranha. Congratulations Nel for this groundbreaking achievement. And Jiro is a wimp who is obviously desperate to get inside Susan's pants so he does some heroics. Wake up Jiro! Kong has a bigger tool!! And Kong can battle a snake mind you. Lousy fight but cool to see Kong wrestling in water with his stupid face. I'm still fascinated by those eyes. Interesting how the director likes to zoom in a lot on Kong's eyes which probably stand as one of the funniest in rubber costume history. But they are pretty weak against Who's hypnosis device. Funny though, the same day I started writing this review, I was in a bar that had a lantern almost completely similar to this device. Talk about movie influence (yeah it's just me thinking like this).
The final battle takes place in Tokyo (where else!?), more importantly on Tokyo Tower. This fight sucks. Robo Kong's only moves are lights shooting from his eyes and the hypnosis device on top of it's head (it gets shot and destroyed by Jiro - yes he has impressive sharp shooting skills). Although in the beginning real Kong bashes Robo a little, once things move up the tower, only action is Kong trying to grab Robo's leg. And once he succeeds in getting a firm grip, Robo falls down and breaks into hundred pieces of metal junk. Not very impressive.
Change of Madame Piranha's moral values is highly intriguing. First she's trying to get a hold of element x in order to produce weapons of mass destruction and suddenly she risks her life to save Tokyo. It must be Nelson's high erotic charisma that changed her. Well yeah, Nelson is a testosterone hyped sex icon (in a world where pigs are large as elephants and ducks have digestive problems). That yet again brings me back to the extreme sexual tension theory I developed for this movie. It goes something like this: Jiro, Kong - want to bang Susan, she wants to bang both, who gets lucky? No one - meaning both are apes with different tool sizes; Nelson, dr. Who - want to bang Piranha, she only wants Nelson but I swear I could have felt something between her and Who (kinky word games), who gets lucky? No one - meaning Who needs viagra and Nelson should get the broom out of his ass; Snake, Robo Kong, Gorosaurus - want to bang Kong but he doesn't so the best way to express his disgust is by destroying them, meaning he bangs what he wants only. Maybe you should ignore the last few sentences completely.
Anyway this is a cool monster movie with a stupid end fight but everything else is superb. So grab your monkey suit, pick up some girls, get drunk and watch it now. But beware! You might get aroused by THIS!!!!!!!!
