Rumpelstiltskin Review

Now I expected this one to be utter crap but never did I imagine it would be this insane. So many points to make and so little time. Oh wait, I've got plenty! Let me start with the beginning as we see a deformed dwarf with a baby running from angry villagers. Yes, it is indeed Rumpelsitltskin, poor little bugger who loves fresh young asses a little too much. The guy likes tricking people into making wishes and then steals their babies. Unfortunately for him, a crazy witch puts a curse on him for a 1000 years! Rumpy becomes a jade figurine and sinks to the ocean floor. Off course, we see him kill some guy before it happens, and it was a splendid scene indeed. I mean you get this brilliant zoom on an eyeball! Great stuff.

Switch to the 90's and two cops driving in a car. One of them is Russel whose wife is 8 months pregnant and they still don't have a name for the young boy. So the guys have this very "funny" dialogue, everything seems happy, Russel talks to his wife on the phone when suddenly a terrible event takes place! A bad guy tries to steal a car with some baby inside and Russel pulls out the gun. Now this scene wouldn't have been so special if not for the amazing slow motion in which it is presented to us. Both Russel and the bad guy die, and 2 questions pop out:

1) Where was his partner the whole time? Scratching his nuts or simply forgotten by the script writer? Very interesting.

2) Who dropped the tea on the floor?

So forget all those famous movie slow motion scenes you have seen and witness perfection right here in this insane masterpiece. So anyway the wife is called Shelley and is actually the main character. Her baby boy is now called John and they hang out with a good female friend whose name I forgot and do not wish to remember. Why? Well let me just say that she is so despicably ugly that it gets me into a diarrhea frenzy every time I look at her. Observe the manifestation of ugliness and septic leakage:

Combine that with an extremely irritating voice and you have a winner when there's a need to easily unplug the lower hole shit stream. The same bowel moving entity will take Shelley to a mysterious antique store owned by a witch Matilda, whose face introduction proves how glorious this movie is at some points. The light in the eyes, the zoom on the face, cigar in the mouth - brilliant. Shelley instantly becomes fascinated with the Rumpel jade figurine which is unexpectedly there, and buys it, although it doesn't make any sense why Matilda allows it since she keeps bragging that it's not for sale. Minutes pass by, we see a naked ass, and very soon the killer midget appears! And guess what? He wants John so he can take his soul! But that minor story detail isn't important at all since all we want is for old pedophile Rumpy to go all out funny and wacky on us in ways that surpass even my extremely funny farts.

Rumpy throws at us lines on a regular basic, and they are so terribly not funny that they ultimately become insanely hilarious! And the bugger also has some slick riding moves. Actually at one point the movie turns in a long vehicle chase where Rumpy swaps steeds like a driving obsessed maniac. First a cool biker then a cigar smoking truck driver, Rumpy is one twisted midget full of surprises. Oh and let's not forget a detail - when his arm is torn off, out of it come maggots. As already expected, it will be nicely zoomed. And the same arm can give you the middle-finger. Unfortunately, miss ugly face gets a surprisingly quick neck twist death from him, but we can't have everything.

Helping Shelley is former ass hole (movie quote) Max Bergman who wanted to have a nice camping but got mixed in the trouble. By the end he becomes the hero and it's completely logical since he is almost as funny as Rumpy - and we all know how funny that is. Interesting that Rumpy didn't kill him or Shelley with his powers but Matilda. Well I guess the powers come and go as the script feels like it. Almost forgot to say that he can make bullets when the gun is empty. Awesome dwarf with unexplained stitches over the face and modern shoes. Though his death is mind blowingly stupid as we see him run towards the only thing that can harm him - straw and fire. Guess all those baby asses were too much and suicide was the only option left. Too bad, he was one funny killer midget.

I bet you didn't expect him being an expert in oral sex. Rumpelstiltskin is one great trip over the plains of movie badness which you shouldn't miss. Especially now when you know that there are plenty of zoom shots on unnecessary thingies like that nifty eye or the maggots. Very satisfying experience indeed.