Skeleton Man Review

Ever watch Masters of the Universe? An excellent sci-fi classic with one of the best villain masks ever created in a toilet!? That's right, Skeletor. Well he's back!

Everything here is on the lowest level and even Michael Rooker (although he sucks anyway) in the lead role couldn't help out. The plot basically doesn't exist, none of the scenes make any sense and the technical aspects such as directing, montage and music can not be described without some serious bowel disintegration. Brilliant. And to top it all off we have Skeleton Man with his unique abilities:

* has an arsenal of weapons that can appear at will including a spear, sword, bow, axe and some nifty kitchen knives

* can be invisible and can also teleport at will

* rides a horse, sometimes as a man in a suit and sometimes as a doll

* immune to bullets and explosions but can be killed with a big explosion (?)

* can shoot down a helicopter with one arrow

* has a cool infra-red vision

So you guessed it - Skeleton Man sucks so much that he absolutely rules. I mean his cape is so astoundingly hilarious that it's unbelievable. Off course that Indians long ago had plastic garbage bags they used as clothing - basic education. And that mask is simply crap. Just got to love this killer.

Interesting that there are two kill scenes before we are introduced to the main characters. First one is the movie opening with an extremely stupid looking archeologist and his assistant whose face of fear rivals elephant poo (love that word, has a sort of long quality). Without any explanation Skeleton Man suddenly appears, and after he mindlessly destroys the whole place, he kills off the archeologist with his cool axe. Now his assistant is very enjoyable to watch as she first finds a car in a middle of the road with a dead guy inside. Also astounding is her screaming for someone to open a door of a pipe filled basement when its already opened. What's great about this basement is that also inside is a worker. Why is that so neat? Because when Skeleton Man just holds him in the air the guy is screaming like he's being probed by a huge tree. Awesome. And finally we see the Skeleton's sword as he finishes everyone off and the pipes explode with a big boom. Naturally this explosion doesn't hurt Skeleton Man. After the stupid credits, we see two soldiers running in the woods. They will obviously become Skeleton's meat packs and that will result in.........

The UNDERCOVER SEARCH & RESCUE TEAM!!!!!! Why are they undercover? Like I would know. The leader is captain Michael Leary (Michael Hooker - oops Rooker, and yes they have the same first name), a guy with a neat flashback of his lost war buddies. There are also four women and three guys and they will all at one point have the urge to wander off somewhere alone in the woods without any point just to be killed by Skeleton Man. But the most lunatic of these wanderings off is surely the one of Casper Van Dien known here as Oberron. Have to first mention how he throws at us philosophy that's full of squirrel droppings and also flirts around with very lame joke attempts. Okay so Oberron suddenly wanders off into the woods only to find himself on a highway. There he steals a truck. You heard me! He steals it without any reason and almost collides with a car. The truck explodes and suddenly Oberron is in the woods again being sliced up by Skeleton Man. Very interesting indeed. Someone probably payed them to get rid of a truck so they put it in the movie. Amazing and brainless.

Another fascinating thing is that this movie actually tries to explain Skeleton Man's background history. So what's the best way to do it? Put an insane old fart in the woods and make him eat beans while telling a story through flashbacks! 99% can't be understood since the guy is obviously on some heavy drugs. Very hard stuff, must be cocaine mixed with shit. But I did figure something out - a crazy Indian started killing other Indians but was himself killed by a woman with a blue necklace. So not much sense here either. As I watched this stinker for the second time I became even more fascinated with the music. Exquisite balladesque piano playing while a guy is being killed or heavy metal techno (!) as Skeleton Man appears. Excellent.

Leary is a smart guy. He knows how to kill Skeleton Man! First you need to throw at him a lot of explosions and finally kill him just with one which is the biggest. Guess if you're an immortal killer you should avoid chemical facilities. Interesting how much explosions there are in this movie. Oh well guess they thought it was very cool. Just like the scene where everyone in the rescue team is applying camouflage paint on their faces. Only problem is, they thought air was paint or real paint was too expensive for the film crew. Well at least everyone looked even more stupider and that was enough for me. Oh and almost forget to mention there is stock footage of an eagle. Neat.

So why does Skeleton Man suddenly appear out of nowhere? Why did Oberron steal that truck? Millions of questions but the most important one is - Does this movie smell bad? Yes, but it also tastes very good so watch NOW!!!