Ninja Terminator Review

The ninja empire is EVIL! In their possession is GOLDEN NINJA WARRIOR, a little statue that gives supreme powers. This is neatly demonstrated at the beginning of the movie, as we see the supposed MASTER (later doesn't appear in the movie) showing his best fighters that he's actually on some hard weed because he's constantly laughing his pants off with the stupidest smile ever seen. Drugs are bad for you and this man proves it. Anyway, 3 of the present ninja warriors betray the ninja empire and each steal one part of the statue. This is the last understandable point of the movie, since from there on nothing makes sense anymore and don't even ask me about the plot. All that's important, is that one of these 3 guys is Harry and I'm telling you Charleton Heston can polish his shoes and Cary Grant can lick his balls. Yeah he rules and you'll find out why soon enough.

That's right - Harry has a Garfield phone! Now how cool is that?! His girlfriend is a stupid fashion designer but she does know how to make Harry's favorite dinner - anything with crabs. But what she didn't expect is the horrendous and barbaric CRAB MUTINY! Crawling around the kitchen, rebellious and not ready to go down without a fight. Harry is going to show these crabby bastards not to mess with his woman and give them a taste of ninja! But that's not all! Also amazing is Harry's watermelon cutting technique or the "fire in the night" dance. Guy is pure genius and rightfully deserves the complete golden ninja warrior. That will happen in the end mind you. Oh I almost forgot how the ninja empire threatens Harry! They send a messenger. A ninja? No! A crab? NO! A little robot? HELL YEAH!

This little bugger can move, talk, make deadly gas, carry VHS tapes and look cool at the same time! The ninja empire obviously has some plans for toy production. Now although the ninja empire is always presented here as the main bad guys we are never shown who is their leader and basically nothing makes sense. So who is the real bad guy? As I figured - Tiger, a strange man who likes to wear a very gay blonde wig. Guess his ass just begs to be pounded and who else to do it than the main character of this movie! Who is this man? Let me first say that he's cooler than Harry! He can wear a disguise and look like a complete retard, do high kicks like it's only a small ass wipe and throw out some great punch lines. Not your typical shy and silent ninja, this guy is a hot walking steamy piece of manliness AKA stud bomb AKA penis the great AKA prince charming AKA...........

JAGUAR WONG

He can't be beaten by anyone. Tiger had a slight chance but someone with a gay blonde wig just can't win against such a stud bomb that Jaguar Wong is! And everyone is convinced that they can beat him up. BAD MOVE ASSHOLES! Jaguar really knows how to hit the right spot - by that including a wham bang with Lilly the local slut. Now this scene is kinda dark and thus not disgusting but as the movie nears its ending we are treated to pure horror. Lilly having nasty action with an ugly loser bad guy that wants to marry her. If you put a carrot and a potato in a microwave, it would be more pleasant and interesting to watch. Not to mention more realistic. Oh well, it blew me away. Just like Jaguar kicking ass although he's completely tied to a chair. Ever heard of exploding cigarettes? That's all I have to say regarding this insanity. And when I'm already mentioning explosions, I must mention how Tiger has a scientist on his side who just invented something superb. A BOMB!!!!!!!!!!! This movie rules.

What about the movies sound and music? Just what can be expected - brilliance! The dubbing is awesomely bad and it will make you wet your g-strings cause I know you're wearing them, just be careful not to shit yourself also, cause in that case I recommend diapers. Music is dramatic and extravagating, bringing tears to eyes when the scene is about joy and the other way around. Now I'll warn you again to get into those diapers because the following image will make you squeeze out some nasty brownies!

Ah crap I forgot my own diapers, now my chair is full of hot doo doo! Disgusting, what more can I say damn it! I warned you and this is what you get for not paying attention! Who is that man? Don't even ask the same question twice!

So you want to be a good ninja stud? Watch this movie now! You may even learn some cooking techniques and finally become the SUPREME NINJA!!! Sperm.