Vampiyaz Review
Since this comes from the people who participated in Zombiez, I just had to check it out. I ended quite surprised since this shit actually made me laugh quite a few times. It doesn't make any sense at all, the characters are pure nonsense and the effects represent ultimate failure - got to love it.
The first 18 minutes of this toilet grabber are quite moving (when you have a hard time squeezing some nasty poo) and interesting. We are introduced to the main characters: Jakeem - good guy who doesn't like aggressive prostitutes (more on that later), and Khalil - bad guy who likes killing people and dress like a momma's boy. These two homo retarduses decide to rob a small safe in a nice house. But guess what? Khalil didn't tell Jakeem that the safe is next to a sleeping Elton John impersonator dressed in a pink pajama that actually has a gun somewhere I do not wish to ever go. So obviously things won't go as planned when you have an armed tranny next to a safe you want to crack. Khalil looses it because mr. Pinky calls him trash and thus he blasts him off. First signs of Jakeem's sexual insecurity are then shown as this event makes him uneasy causing heavy profanities towards Khalil while they're driving in a car. Naturally this will lead to hitting a young lady in a middle of nowhere. Jakeem wants to help her, Khalil shoots him and leaves him lying there with the girl. Now this would all pass as regular diarrhea but nopey dopey! Khalil gets bitten by a vampire tramp! First scene where cool syrup is displayed. If I had blood like that, I'd surely bleed all over some pancakes. Also shown is the groundbreaking prison where Jakeem is playing with the soap. Oh and the interior design!!! Talk about cozy pillows, nice walls and cool corridors. Only thing missing is Bud Spencer giving Ben Affleck some soap action but that's completely off topic, so I'll drop it.
8 YEARS PEOPLE!!! Must have been a very hard time for Jakeem, poor old chap. Well he's out and ready to deliver some nasty bad acting. Especially in the already (in my humble opinion) legendary dialogue with the ugliest prostitute ever seen (maybe). Jakeem is sitting on the bed like a little shy molested boy not saying a word until the slut goes for his pants. I beg you to hear THIS! Script creativity dear bad movie friends. Not to forget some awful attempts at prison jokes because we all know that makes everyone horny. So after this sick venture in Jakeem's little adventure, we are switched to an even more emotional eye soaking scene. You see, Jakeem has these cool abilities to find people out of nowhere like the girl from the car accident. She's in a wheelchair now and it's supposed to make us very sad as we see her having a hard time using a broom to wipe some trash. Very sad indeed. So Jakeem approaches her and starts yet another mindless dialogue but the first one that tries to be very serious and you can only guess the result of that. In this scene Jakeem looks very disgusting. I mean he's disgusting all the time but for some reason, he's just abominable here. Oh well, after this neat laxative drink we are introduced to Ray (he just loves rubber hand with ketchup) who offers Jakeem a job. Unexpectedly, it's a trap with Khalil pulling the strings. How, what, when, who, shit?! Very interesting - Khalil is now the main vampire controlling 2 vampire sluts and Ray, his bitch. Does it make any sense? No. Does it smell like hot steaming elephant crap? Yes it does. Khalil wants Jakeem to steal a heavily guarded (poo stinks!) amulet from a safe. Hmmm why does Jakeem accept this job? Don't ask me. So he and Ray go do the job. Amazing how suddenly, out of nowhere, this movie tries to be realistic!!! Ray shoots from a gun above Jakeem's head which causes Jakeem heavy hearing problems. Oh my, that's so full of stuffed chicken but will get even better later. First Jakeem needs to crack the safe that is connected to a BOMB! I just had to pee all over myself from laughing as I witnessed Jakeem cracking the safe, not noticing the shooting around him because he can't hear a thing. And what is with the SPERM GUN Ray throws to Jakeem?! Interesting just like him using it to shoot a guy although he's against guns and violence up to that point. Feces.
I was very naive to think the hearing problem was just a short thing. There is actually a whole verbal fight between Jakeem and Khalil in the process of trading money with the amulet. That was funny and made me pee again. AGAIN! This amulet makes Khalil invincible, the ultimate vampire! Guess he ain't that strong because Jakeem simply pulls it away from his neck and runs away. And guess who was keeping that amulet in a safe from the start?! The secret vampire hunter squad commanded by none other than the atrocious main actress from Zombiez. And they have a very cool sniper guy who knows its good to wear sunglasses for better aim. I also learned that in Vietnam. This squad sucks and although they bust in Khalil's shit-house armed with billion crosses they get killed in 2 seconds. So it's up to Jakeem to pick up these crosses, add some onions, make a cross on the back of the amulet and give it to Khalil. Yeah, he's a guy with some neat tricks that enabled him to screw mr. bad completely. Time for some smoke. Did I forget to fart about something? Ah yes, the crippled heroine. Well Khalil connected her to a nifty bomb and Jakeem messed up and made her go kiss the ceiling. Tragic.
Vampiyaz was satisfying. Another HOOD movie that made me hate rap even more. Excellent. The music is really mind-blowing with lyrics that reach straight to your squeezing hole. So you should definitely check it out. And make sure the lights are on because it will scare you. Maybe you'll even shit your pants.
